"You're Pregnant!"

No matter what your situation is, these words pack a world full of emotion. For a married couple who has been trying for the blessing of a child, the news that a baby is on the way can be one of the most joyous events of their life.

However, if you are unmarried, a pregnancy may be some of the worst new you have ever received. You may be going through a mass of emotions… shock, fear, dismay, denial, guilt, or embarrassment. You probably feel alone, scared, and overwhelmed about the upcoming decisions you will have to make.

Specifically speaking, at some point in the next few months, you will be deciding who will raise this precious new life you are carrying. Will you release your baby to a loving adoptive family? Or will you raise him or her as a single mother? By the time you finish reading this page, we hope that you will find the encouragement and initial facts that you need to help you make a wise decision… the best decision for your baby… whatever you decide that may be.

First of all… be assured that your baby is not an “accident.” Whether or not you think this is fair, you do have the power to take what life has handed you and bring good out of it. Deciding to raise your baby as a single parent or make an adoption plan with a loving two-parent family can be a difficult one, full of mixed emotions. Other people in your life will probably have strong opinions about what you should do—and you may find yourself changing your mind daily. However, in the end, you are the only one who should decide who can do the best job of raising your baby.

Before you make a decision, you owe it to yourself—and your baby—to get all the facts about adoption. Let’s look at some questions and concerns typically expressed by unmarried pregnant women and girls:

“Where Do I Start?”

The first step is simply to find out what adoption agencies are in your area, and make calls to two or three requesting some information. LifeChoices can provide you with adoption referrals for your area, or you can look under “Adoption” in the Yellow Pages of the phone book.

“But if I contact an adoption agency, won’t I be making a commitment to release my baby for adoption?”

No—not at all. You can simply make an appointment to talk to one or more agencies that interest you. When you meet with someone from the agency, ask them to explain what the different adoption “options” are, what the process is, and how they screen prospective adoptive parents. Ask all the questions you need to—afterall, this is why they are there! The truth is, no matter what you decide in the end, the more information you have, the better you will feel about making the right decision.

“If I release my baby for adoption, people will talk.”

So, what else is new? If you survived middle school (and most of us did!), you know that the happiest people are those who learn to tune out the people with gossiping lips, and do what they know is best for them. Since people are going to talk no matter what, give them something admirable to talk about—make it clear you chose to think of your baby’s best interests!

“I don’t want my baby raised by strangers!”
“What if weird, horrible people get my baby?”

Stop for a moment and consider the truth: In most states, the only people who have to jump through any hoops to “qualify” for parenthood are adoptive parents! In fact, the screening procedures for prospective adoptive parents are so tough that they usually include extensive interviews, paperwork, home visits, criminal background checks, and psychological screening.

With about 40 qualified couples waiting for every baby available, you can be quite selective about the parents you pick for your child; and you can get to know them personally before making a decision. Also, in many cases, adoption plans include financial assistance with your prenatal and childbirth expenses. Secondly, most adoptive parents come from a middle-to-upper class socioeconomic background, and therefore, can provide your baby with the security and advantages that children raised by a single mother sometimes lack.

Open Adoptions. As a single mother in the 21st century, you have a great advantage over women who have released babies for adoption in previous eras. Now, with the prevalence of open adoptions (if that’s what you desire), you not only can choose your baby’s adoptive parents, but you can get to know them and stay informed about where (and how) your baby is. Depending on the specific arrangement that you and the adoptive parents agree to, you can have varying degrees of news and contact as your baby grows up. In the meantime, you can be getting on with your life without the major commitment of time and money required to responsibly raise a child to adulthood.

“My parents disapprove of adoption. They say they’ll help me raise the baby.”

As wonderful as your parents may be (or not be), they are not the ones who will pay the ultimate price for rearing your baby. They undoubtedly have their own parenting flaws and may actually be relieved if you make a decision that “gives you back your life” while preserving the life of your baby. Moreover, there aren’t very many middle-aged parents who want to go through the entire process of child-rearing again! Ultimately, remember this: You are the mother of this baby, and it is you—not your parents, friends, or well-meaning relatives—who should make the final decision.

“If I keep my baby, maybe my baby’s father will… (marry me, stay with me, come back, etc).”

Sorry, but babies rarely have that effect on guys. Moreover, it is not your baby’s job to turn a guy into your ideal help-mate. Statistically, you are more likely to meet and marry Mr. Right later on if you release your baby to loving adoptive parents that you are if you choose single motherhood.

“I could never give up my baby.”

The majority of young women in your situation feel the same way initially. However, it is important for the unmarried woman to stop to consider the tremendous cost and responsibility of choosing single motherhood. Successful child-rearing can be greatly reward, but it is nonetheless very demanding, even for a two-parent family. It requires a great deal of time, self-sacrifice and financial expense. Almost without exception, birth mothers who choose adoption for their baby will later say that it was the right decision. Yes, you will experience some temporary grief, but caring counselors and the knowledge that you made the best decision for your baby will support you.

“Neither option sounds easy. Abortion would be easier.”

You are right about one thing: there are no “easy outs” in this situation. However, one of the biggest lies ever is that abortion is an “easy solution.” It is anything but easy for your baby, and you will suffer emotion consequences. Research shows that post-abortive women are much more likely to experience infertility, future pregnancy complications and various kinds of cancer later in life. To learn more about abortion, click here.

Adoption is truly a heroic act—an act of love.

In many cases, adoption is the most loving and unselfish decision an unmarried, expectant mother can make. You see, love is not primarily an emotion. Love is taking action in the best interests of another person or persons, regardless of one’s emotional feelings. As one birth mother said of her choice to make an adoption plan for her baby daughter, “I knew that my decision would be the hardest thing in the world for me. It was about her. It was about what I could give her: a family, stability, a chance for a future.”

“Adoption is
not a breaking of trust
but a keeping of faith,
not an abdication of responsibility
but and act of redemption,
not the abandonment of a baby
but an abandonment of self
for a baby’s sake.”
 

Excerpts taken from “Choosing the Best for Your Baby,” © Focus on the Family, 2001.