For decades, the issue of abortion has been primarily
focused on the women involved, while their male partners
have been emotionally, physically and medically ignored. The
male level of involvement is quite ironic in this day and
age. In a society where men are now assuming a larger role
in raising children, they are systematically denied the
chance to play any kind of role in the life-or-death choices
regarding their unborn children.
This lack of ability to be involved, this powerlessness
not only wears on the male self-image, but can bring about
role conflict in the relationship, excessive guilt and
depression. Too often, abortion has been portrayed as a
simple surgical procedure which will produce little or no
long-term psychological distress for either partner. While
most men will deny that they feel any remorse or distress in
relation to the abortion, deep down they are hurting. Often,
the pain of a partner’s abortion does not surface until
years later, after he has developed a family. Men who do
choose to accept their feelings, rather than deny them,
often describe the abortion experience as bewildering and
painful beyond their abilities to cope.
For both men and women involved in an abortion, the
feeling of emptiness may last a lifetime. Afterall, parents
are parents forever, even of a dead child. Abortion is
especially painful because there can be no visible
resolution—only a memory remains. The unborn child was
denied humanity, and therefore he or she is denied a grave
or a marker. The grieving process is left unfinished.
Some men may feel deceived or misled if their partner had
an abortion without his knowledge. Again, he is left feeling
powerless, and his self-image is damaged. He was not given
the chance to be the leader that a man is expected to be.
Clinical studies show that men become hostile when they have
been excluded from decision making and when they discover
they have been deceived or manipulated. This inevitably
leads to conflict in the relationship, and many times the
“status quo” of what used to be is lost. The couple cannot
seem to get back to life as they once knew it... life before
the abortion.
Men often feel that it is their role to be strong and
protect the ones they love. A recent national poll indicated
that three out of four respondents still believe that the
“ideal man” is one who will stop at nothing to protect his
family. This poses a problem, because how can one protect
when he is denied by law the right to have a say in a
life-or-death decision?
There is a double standard in the sense that, when a
woman chooses abortion, it is the exclamation of women’s
rights—an affirmation of her own personal freedom to choose
what she alone does with her body. However, when a man
promotes abortion, it is typified as coercion, lack of
caring, insensitivity, and selfishness. With this stigma
attached to the male view of abortion, it is no wonder that
more men do not admit to any involvement with abortion—let
alone admit any guilt or remorse they may feel afterwards.
In all actuality, men deserve and require as much
post-abortive emotional support as women do. For either
partner involved, the loss of a child is traumatic and
life-changing. Guilt and grief cannot be willed away. So
what is a man to do with the grief and guilt he feels after
an abortion? Well, one of the best remedies for guilt is the
bright light of self-disclosure. Talking about a painful
past with someone you trust can open doors to alleviate
guilt and begin the healing process.
Another suggestion for alleviating guilt is to simply
acknowledge that there is some painful, unfinished business
in your past. This act of acknowledgement can bring
tremendous relief, for it is at this point that he stops
pretending. Reconciliation to the death of one’s unborn
child ultimately involves forgiveness. Forgiveness for
abortion flows from being willing to know and tell the
truth. One huge barrier to experiencing forgiveness is that
people often get stuck in trying to forgive before they can
fully accept their own feelings. Feeling the pressure to
forgive—that one should or must forgive himself, and
attempting this pseudo-forgiveness can actually prevent them
from fully experiencing forgiveness.
While forgiveness is a huge mile-marker in the healing
process, it does not at all mean that one can forget the
abortion—the memories still remain. Abortion is a far
greater dilemma for men than researchers, counselors, and
women have even begun to realize. Men are just as much
victims of abortion as the women and unborn children are.
Men should not have to remain the silent sufferers they have
been for years. There can be help and healing for a broken
past. If you would like to talk to someone, please contact
us at 417-624-8030 or 1-800-638-1023.
Check out these other great resources for men:
- Healing a Father’s Heart, Linda Cochrane and Kathy
Jones,
- Men and Abortion: A Path to Healing, C.T. Coyle
- Fatherhood Aborted, Guy Condon
http://www.boundless.org/1999/features/a0000076.html
http://www.family.org/fofmag/sl/a0024083.cfm
http://www.abortion.netfirms.com/menandabortion.htm
http://www.postabortionpaths.org.nz/MenAb.asp
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